Journal
I just got out, again.
The cycle of power and control is overwhelmingly abundant in our world. I'm 2 months in with my husband, based off of only 2 years of knowing each other, and as we sit in God's glory together, growing every day...
I'm reminded of the tarot reader I encountered on
Bourbon Street the day I yelled "F*** black/white/yellow/people/everyone ! Die !"
Only I knew that I meant die to yourselves....
She knew that what has now come to pass would be true...street prophecy? That's what some may say...
But when coupled with prayer, then what is it?
My actions scared away people that loved me, but moved me closer to where I am now - a place filled with joy -
I'm grateful to have survived it.
So in love
So very deep in love
So thankful
Me again.
It took 10 years
Free yourself from grief and get reconnected to God - daily -
Journal
Yesterday I mentioned, "I just got out, again."
Here's the context.
In October 2015, after moving to Chicago from Champaign with my dad, I I fell into a depression. This was the starting place of my mental health journey. It came after a run in with trauma at my Champaign residence. A family member having just been released from prison was staying with me and violated many of my personal boundaries. They were showing up at my job, breaking into my home, manufacturing drugs in my kitchen, and tried to force their way into the bathroom as I showered before I threw myself against the door and threatened to call the police. I slept at friends' and in my car until it was time to move. My friends were given the unreal expectation of helping me navigate all my family trauma up to that point and almost entirely went ghost. Hence the depression...and my first involuntary hospitalization...
Being arrested...being hospitalized again and again for what I thought were leaps of faith...
The cycle continued for about 8 years with everyone I knew questioning my sanity. And they still do...
After 8 years of different mental health diagnoses and the people I love so much repeatedly telling me to fix it by taking 'my meds' - I was reassessed because I knew that they were wrong and I wouldn't give up on me.
All prior diagnoses had been ruled out due to the fact that I was not sober during any of the "manic" episodes they had hospitalized me for.
I got sober, weaned off the meds with my psychiatrist, read the Bible, stayed consistent with therapy which helped tremendously - and am now here again.
My family after all that still believing my most recent hospitalization was best and that I should maybe keep up with the meds again. This was somehow the longest involuntary admission I experienced after almost 4 years. They had to discharge me because I did not NEED to be in there.
I was told I should apologize for calling out people's inconcsistency...
I'll be quiet, but an apology? Nah...
You get restrained to a stretcher by your legs and arms and transported across the state and injected with numerous needles and placed in a bed next to people really removed from reality.
I should get an apology, because why...
Man I wish I had time to fight more of these systems - more accurately...
I wish I felt safe enough to do so.
My dreams of world peace, growth, and life-long learning really seem to shake folks at their core. People don't see beyond our present reality and it doesn't seem that there's any hope for tomorrow.
I've stepped back enough to see how trauma and grief have led to all of this.
Let this be encouragement.
The bruises will fade. Remember they ain't break you. You're stronger because...
And know...I will not be a martyr
A step back for me is only out of the box in order to reposition my stance and solidify my footing before driving it home. Better every day won't happen on its own....
5 minute Free Write
Fun and games right...
Money tight
How ya living? Living right?
Unsettling motions
Dancing with potions
Risky business
Time suspended
Time lost
What's the cost?
Was it worth the chance?
How often do we romance over "if I can just"
How about, "if I can trust"
That's something we must do
No matter what because there's no guarantees
And there's no use in playing the game if you don't like the thought of you hurting.
Wanting more doesn't mean deserting the part you play
Prayer
Dear heavenly father, Lord God, HALLELUJAH! Lord, God...Thank you, Lord! Thank you for life Lord God! You are the creator of all things lord and for that we say thank you. You made us in your image Lord God and we just thank you for your craftsmanship even though we fall short lord God. We thank you lord even when we are throwing stones and cursing at one another forgive us lord God, forgive us lord God, forgive us lord God! Help us to forgive one another and to love one another the way that you have loved us father God. You've brought us out time and time again. You've made a way time and time again lord God, help us to know and to receive and to have peace in understanding that you are God all by yourself and that you did it God! It's all because of you lord God! And we say thank you Lord God even when we're hurting because there is so much to be thankful for lord God! Thank you for being able to use my body lord God! To breathe! To be well!!!!!!!!! Lord God! Thank you for healing me lord God! For strengthening me lord God! For sending people and things and situations into my life only to know you more lord God! Hallelujah! Thank you God. There is none like you lord God! Guide us, direct us, lead us, help us to know you more lord God and what you really look and feel like. Let us not be misled by man! Help us to understand that with man it is impossible but not with you God!!! Help us to understand that that doesn't mean to dismiss our enemies or our neighbors or people that WE feel we don't have time for our time is Your time God! You are the author of time Lord God!!! You worked tirelessly to give us this life lord God, to create us lord God! Help us to walk in your will! Your word says that those that follow you will not walk in darkness! Your word says to LOVE lord God! Help us to be kinder lord, to humble ourselves lord, again to forgive lord God, help us to encourage one another lord God, to be good stewards of the blessings that you continuously bestow upon us lord God. Help us today lord God! You are so worthy God! Thank you for your grace. Thank you for BEING the only example and the only wise God, the God of allllll things! Thank you God! Thank you Lord! HALLELUJAH!!!!! In Jesus name lord God, in your precious son's name who was sacrificed for us lord God that we may know peace lord God...we may know who you are Holy Spirit...we may have faith like a mustard seed lord God, we may believe in something more than ourselves which we can't help but default to so often! Help us to help ourselves, to seek your word God, to know more of who you are, to help somebody, hug somebody, love somebody, learn somebody, teach somebody, in JESUS name! Help us to be better people so that you may get the power, you may get the glory, and we may live the lives that you've intended for us which are greater than we could ever ask, think, or imagine. You've done it before lord God and we thank you for it lord God, HALLELUJAH! Thank you for being God!! Amen! Jesus!! Thank you lord God! Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Song Lyrics
Happy Birthday by Danitra Pope
Find it on Spotify or YouTube/ just a song I freestyled and recorded with a couple of friends. Big shoutout to Brandon and Alfonzo for entrusting me with their time & talent. God Bless you both, much love. Let's get a more positive birthday spirit in the air !
Happy Birthday Virgo/Libras =)
"Panitra Dope on the beat..."
Another year's gone by
Time to celebrate the gift of life
Grab a drink
/Get fly/
Raise your glass
/Party under the sky/
From the morn'
to the night
It's your birthday so it's only right
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday
Celebrate You
Name you
Praise You
Thank God for what you do
Thank God for who you are
Go far
["It's your birthday...Happy Birthday"]
Live life and be a star
And happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday
Say my name, say my name !
No
Say His name, say His name on...
This very special day
Gotta give Him give him the praise...
Gotta give Him give him the thanks
Give Him give him everything in this place
Every little thing
Under the sun/son
He's the one
Who made it
Tangible
Handleable
You can touch it
Feel it
Grasp it
Move it
Shake it
Feel it
Breathe
Life
Life
Life
Happy Birthday to You
Amen
[jovial laughter]
STOP
Put your phone down
Check in with your senses
Give thanks
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