Diary of Danitra

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Crippled by the questions and interrogation that say 'I ain't forgiven what you or they did to me.'

Can't move as freely with the repetitive recitations of reasons seen in the media that say the block up the street aint safe no more cuz of yesterday.

Fear and doubt cancel faith.

Not gonna lie, the struggle is ongoing, given the content creators conscious decisions to f*#$ with yall

Dig in your pockets and your minds and I don't say that to insight the title of this free write only to say, be wise.

Apply the knowledge you have and the history that was beneficial.  Occasions that were risen to and that fantasized.

That can be true again and again

Fear & Doubt predict the end, which isn't anything that we really can, unless we take it into our own hands, but that's just a sick and/or evil man who doesn't see anyone reaching back out or back up to him.

I trust God's plan !

The road gets rocky and no I'm not cocky just confident in Him.  If he did it before, He will do it again.  Our will should be to do it again, 

To not give up or turn away or run and hide and deprive our future generations of necessary change.

Be peaceful people, and that starts within your mind.

Happiness is temporary, finding joy lasts a lifetime.

Don't let the past determine what you can do or what's to come.

It may result in you being shunned...

Be safe though

Fear & Doubt could really be rewritten as pause and take consideration

Remember the loss, the impact, the reason, the why

Rethink history and remember you're still living and then ask yourself why.

What legacy are you leaving behind?  Do you care about when you die?

Living better and prolonging life starts with what you put and hold inside.

Drop your pride

Leave the ego

Think on these things, reference back, check the source.

Now off to the weekend we go

It's just about what I thought so far

Agreeing to not give up, agreeing to choose each other, embracing and bracing ourselves by planting and preparing for the highs & the lows, but together.

Balance.

Focus.

Slow Down.

Be Still.

Remember.

My husband, while everything that I prayed for, is also a lotta things I said were 'a no' for me.  But that part is because God got jokes.  Joke is definitely on me.

Some may say I'm being brainwashed by a white man...but oh if they only knew how far from true that was.

We both are warring with our own selves though, but I feel like everyone in the world has some type of internal battle.  It looks different for everyone of course; aspiration not yet obtained, fears, obstacles, trauma, you name it...

But oh how I do love my husband <3 <3 

I'm so breath taken by the fact that we met sober in a bar singin' karaoke, minding our own business and working on ourselves.  

The night we met, a scene of fantasy.

Being walked safely outside, him watching me walk across the street and get in my car: I was an extremely paranoid single woman after being taken advantage of by so many men and such, but he was very respectful.  Quiet [not a quiet person btw lol] and just a sweetheart.  It was strange how his kindness instantly made me feel safe.

After all the dating app attempts, real life just did not even compare.  We were both so enamored and still are.

And even in the hard times, we're both thankful.

Lord Jesus, thank you for today.  Thank you for continuing to bless us and keep us father, God.  Thank you for teaching us through your word and our allowances to witness and be witness to your goodness, your mercy, and your grace Lord, God,  Forgive us lord of all our sin & unrighteousness, help us to move from pride and covetousness lord God, be with us as we let patience have her perfect work that we may be perfect and entire wanting nothing lord, God.  Thank you for being God.  Bless those who mourn and are in need lord, God.  Let them have an encounter with you Holy Spirit and learn what it means to know you Lord, God. Help us all to grow in our discernment and in our giving.  Dwell among us, lord.  We thank you, we praise you, and we love you so much lord, God.  In Jesus' precious holy name.  Amen.

I've never known anyone quiet as kind as me who wears naievety as a layer from the cocoon that is shedding.  Daily dying fleshly cutting lusts and 2nd glances, giving chance to the chance that there's a chance and that may be trash to many men full of sin tryna grin and push through and ignore the brighter side and hide their hope turns to pride and divides the culture fear and doubt forever vultures why we toast and celebrate and hate the same way.  We need more unity and just because you ain't had it I feel the world around me, on my back got my back cuz I know God's about me.  He's a creator that never stops He's got talent never topped and I trust him for what I know not.  And that's a lot.  I got optimism that's Godly, believing in miracles even when the maker is allowing Satan to see how far he can take me, tryna slay me, but I surrendered it all long ago and can't stop trying to let the world know that that peace that surpasses all understanding is all around me.  I'm done trying to figure it out and daily it's me I'm slaying.  Denying my flesh, my wants, what they were I did but also didn't get.  I'm set on the sight and prize that's ahead, if I wanna be negative instead...may as well be dead.

4 walls

Blank stares

I see you

You see me

And yet nobody's there

Wonderin what the other one's thinkin, not speakin'

Forming questions in our minds

Tryin to figure out why

Why you not talkin?

Why you so quiet?

Is there anything wrong? Is there anything right?

How can I fix it?

Should I even try?

Baby, do ya need space? Do ya need time?

I thought everything was alright, up until now

The silence is deafening, but at the same time so loud

Now I'm screaming out...only in my head

While I'm breaking down over things unsaid

Things unsaid got me thinkin, thinkin, got me thinkin

Things unsaid got me thinkin, thinkin, bout us

I don't know how much more I can take this!

I think I'm losing it, I'm bout to call it quits, last time I checked the other's supposed to be significant

But...

You got me feelin like nothin....

So now I'm beggin you beggin you baby please won't you just, won't you please tell me somethin?!

Cuz I'm tired of not talkin,

tired of bein quiet,

I don't care what's wrong, I just wanna make it right

Promise I can fix it, at least let me try...

Let me love you!  Don't let us die!!!

BUT MAYBE IT'S OVER

MAYBE YOU LIED

YOU DON'T REALLY LOVE ME

And YOU LIKE TO SEE ME CRY!!!

I don't wanna do this no more, this hurt this pain this cold war

I don't wanna do this no more, sit here cry tears baby what for?!?!

I don't wanna do this no more

I can't do this no more

I won't do this no more

So can we quit playin the quiet game

It's crazy to me how quick people are to judge without having much detail.

I've been working on being a procrastinator.  It's like that saying goes, 'If you can...do,' or however it goes.  I don't like it though.  People really do sell themselves short by giving the short end to what they aspire to.  [Talking to myself also]

I'm thankful that I'm doing all the things a little more consistently now.  The finances aren't there yet, but I believe they're being transferred.  I applied to some jobs the other day...who knows what will happen.  I hate how close death feels sometimes...honest statement...gotta stay prayerful, gotta pray for discernment.

But this something that I want to stick to.

I've put writing off for long enough and it feels sacrilegious to call myself a writer, to sell books, but to not actively be writing.

I'm committed to me.  

I question a little bit though.  Did I go to school because I wanted to or because it was the expectation?  What makes me stay?

I do enjoy learning.  I enrolled at YU YouTube University, but I just didn't connect with some of the material that way, other subject matter, yes.  I like that person to person experience of life.  Probably used to like it more, maybe even too much, but it's still very much who I am.

I'm still working out this boundary dance for myself, working on being healthier as a whole person...remembering what God's done.

I've been counting how many things have not been in my control.  Sure I had/have choices, and generally, I've done/I do my best.  Choosing me now...for the sake of having more to pour.  Time and patience.

So even if it's a little late, at least words are not left unsaid.

Do your work early, so that you don't bring it to bed [my desk for the day]

Goodnight peeps