Diary of Danitra

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This is for everyone

Let's retire the idea of religion

Forgive ourselves and live ourselves by providing new definition and meaning

What it means to believe is far more than those manmade contructs with their shortcomings

Claims of creating space for people of faith to navigate Holy Spirit entering a place

I find that's where the ceiling gets hit

People praying asking for Holy Spirit not knowing they're already sitting with it

The word says where 2 or 3 are gathered there Spirit is

We dismiss and don't realize how to get in tune with it or him

Him not meant exclusive to male but rather to human

Less of an it, more of an ideal

Believing that at any time and in any space you can feel something real, 

a moment that can heal, 

a breath of relief,  

you see darkness, you encounter the thief, 

are you calm, do you have peace? 

Holy Spirit does and again may be right next to you in your seat

Religion doesn't always mean you're a kind human being  we know these things

Religion is people getting a little too excited and I think wanting to force faith and force belief

Holy Spirit can find you while you're out doing your own thing

Do you smile as you walk past strangers or do you grit and be mean mugging?

Stop worrying about what exists and what is, when you are a creator

Capable of making change, definitely cause for a ripple

Everyone's relationship with God should be unique.

Take hold of what you claim 

Pause for a little

Speak

Every breath proves there's a God

Let's not waste it 

Let's not complain

Flesh and biology and science and history...

Well, um, who created those things? Name 'em

If you have all the answers to the universe then maybe I'll stop talking

I will trust in God always and keep Spirit with me when I'm walking

Nobody is perfect so don't get God from anywhere else "religion" doesn't override relationship

Reflect and believe

In God, in and for yourself

Patience.

Patience is the word that I always used as a personal quality that deemed me fit to hold the majority of the management positions that I have.  While I do believe that I have patience, these past  years have shown me that I do not hold patience for areas where I hold expectation.

I'm not God.

While it is admirable to want the best for people and to want for everyone to be able to attain better for themselves, and have the ability to offer help...I cannot dictate the timeframe where anyone decides to make valuable change in their own life.  I honestly feel like I am tapped out and I in turn have no patience.  

However, God keeps telling me that I'm going to make it, just hold on, have patience.

I'm living in a very new world for myself, but also very much the same.  Nobody wants Danitra to have what she so desperately desires unless it's her laid up making babies then she can know what it's like to have her loved ones in the same room again because she don't understand that she needs to go on and make her own family she gettiing too old she needs to get in better shape and focus on her and not worry about everyone else even though she's really just worrying about her own self and her own mental health and trying to ensure healthy supports and her own safety.  Sorry she prefer to not act like she doesn't have biological family close that ignores her whole life on purpose.  Everyone knows what I need and what's best though because I was named Neeti/Needy  of course I'm desparate for everything everyone is saying and not just chillin eating relaxing with my blood, celebrating life, that can't be what I've want because I haven't articulated a desire to be closer to family by moving across the country already.  I'm married now, got a new family right...

Yup..

And it's sad the majority of "black people" that I've known and engaged with in life did not support me.  Let's consider all the successful students from 100 strong at the University of Illinois during the years I attended.  Where is my village?  Where was my village apart from my homies? What is going on black people?!  That is why I don't like claiming black!  Black is a construct built to make people like me disappear.  ANOTHER black woman, but not the one anyone cares about.

Just the one that sees the world is sick, sin sick, sick sick, silly, selfindulgent, and self indulging in ignorance

Sorry ya'll...let me get back to practicing patience.

I genuinely have soooooo much love for this world and wish I could give my time freely to bring joy to others.  But if it's money that'll allow me to do that I don't see that money coming back or from anywhere else.

I'm just trying to live decent.  Never need much.  I'll always want better for the world.  

Sorry, I'm tired.

And my mental health is questioned?  There's a reason I wasn't kept in the hospital and there's a reason why I DO NOT HAVE A DIAGNOSIS of anything but abusing marijuana, which contrary to popular belief, I don't do anymore.  I GOT SOBER BEFORE GETTING MY CDL  obviously and only failed my random UA  because I had literally A hit the night after I found out another one of my cousins died, I was a sub for who was supposed to go test and no one believed that I could have possible failed that test, they do now though because obviously Danitra has been going thru it...SORRY WORLD.  I'm so irresponsible [was a top driver and a fav but...]   Mind you, I like to treat marijuana as medicine as intended, I know what I like and don't need.  But forget what I desire for myself and my body...women's rights right, my body my choice right.  People want me to be perfect because I'm so xyz  BUT grief, trauma, not having family my age to talk to and grief and trauma from losing the ones I do talk to and that are my age...sorry I seem a little unwound.  So thankful that God heals!  I still ask though, where is my family?  I know I have one and I am so thankful for them near and far!  But where's the black community to wrap around a young black woman aspiring and accomplishing much that has experienced much grief?  My grief is heavy to hold and now jointly our grief is heavy to hold and I don't feel like I'm asking anyone to do that.  I don't think it possible.

I believe in GOD and God's word.

The amount of family I have that is comprised of strangers essentially is something that people shouldn't just be okay with.  Thank you mom, dad, Lilah, D for hearing me and doing your best by me.  It ain't been easy.  In saying that, I don't think it's been easy for everyone to read me.  Anyone that makes/takes the time...well, you know.  Thank you for your patience.

Letting time pass doesn't always equal having patience.  Make sure you are checking in with God.  I know I need to every day.

Everyone lusts soooooooo much over the physical. So much.  

Myself included.  Because, "I want it daddy, and I want it now!"

 Lol shoutout to the random Willy Wonka gameshow special on Netflix I was watching.

What about the future?  Do we see ourselves in the future anymore?  Everyone seems so "arrived."

It's okay to dream and want things.

What's that look like for you?  How can you make it look better for you?  How can you make it look better for your kids?  What's your timeline end date?  Does anyone want to live to be over 100?

I'll hold out...and let patience have her perfect work.  And as far as working full-time goes...I'm choosing me first.

I don't know that I'll never post on a Sunday, but I haven't yet.  I'm a church girl.

My relationship and identification as a Christian did begin early, but it was only an introduction.  I got the creation stories like most kids and learned John 3:16, ya know, "the basics."  My aunt was my book dealer.  As an elementary school teacher, trust I was a reader.  Because I lived in different states than the majority of my family, being with people at church was a reminder of that.  Church reminds me of family.

I grew up across the street from a carbon copy of the Camdens from the TV sitcom, 7th Heaven.  (There was a black family on the show too!)

[I don't know the drama with the guy on there, I don't pry into people's lives, not my business so continuing...]

This family consisted of a different makeup than that of Matt, Mary, Simon, Ruthie (Happy, & the twins).  The dad was the pastor at the church up the street in our neighborhood that we sometimes attended; we couldn't be there every Sunday because of my parents' work schedule.  My mom working retail and my dad transferring out of the ARMY Reserves made for busy times for them, especially with 3 kids at home.  I was the youngest; we were born, '90, '82, & '87.  

The Pastor's wife, (we'll just call him Pastor Eric) Pastor Eric's wife was a nurse and homemaker.  They were listed as my emergency contacts at school just due to the nature of their work versus that of my parents.  They were the family that brought over cookies when we moved in (yeah, real life tv moments).  But, the pastor and his wife had 4 boys.  Maybe some other time I'll write the story on boys and me, but in a nutshell, I fell in line.  We played all types of tag, jumped off the swings in their backyard, played football, soccer, and other made-up games, we caught snakes and insects and went on adventures to the park and beyond, called ourselves building a treehouse when we put a piece of plywood up in the tree in front of their house and called it a table [same tree I got stuck in upside down trying to be cool getting out of it, shout out to Mr. D and my fellow ching a lings over there that helped me out lol u had to be there].  We built ramps and rode our bikes and roller skates off and over them, we swam, we broke bread, ate, we watched tv, we played in the house with their pet turtle Ninja, and we went to church.

This was my family.  Diverse, fun, friendly, and a place where I felt safe from 1995 to now, that's how I imagine family, that's how I imagine heaven honestly, that's what I continued to seek after they moved from the neighborhood.  May have been a bit of "white flight," because almost all of them left in the years we were there.  But, I made more extended family with new neighbors and felt like my friends at school were family too, I guess sitting with other people's grandma on grandparents day and getting called out of my name so frequently in adolescence can do that to a person.  Anyone who would talk to me was a friend to me lol  For the most part I avoided drama.  Um...I was a first grader that thought it cool to bring a pocket knife wrench to school though, and the child to write angry notes to people when they were mean to me in second grade.  Apart from that, I hit a couple of boys that wouldn't leave me alone, which I feel is fair.

Still I felt everyone was my friend.  I guess I just assumed that people thought good about each other all the time.  Everything I had heard and read said so.  I used friend and family interchangeably.

I guess I'm wrong for still believing in that

I know that reality does support my ideals about family, BUT.........

Reality also is scolding 

It goes through changes

It's not as "easy as abc, 123" [MJ knew that]

We know that life is what we make it and can look very opposite of what we want

What if life is what we choose to see and make time for?

Don't get it twisted either, 

I LOVE MY ACTUAL BLOOD-RELATED FAMILY, IT IS NOT MY FAULT I WAS RAISED ACROSS THE COUNTRY & AWAY FROM FAMILY, PLEASE STOP BEING JUDGY + JUST ASK !

I became an only child of sorts when I was 14 or 15.  My siblings moved far and to different states for school and work and whatnot themselves, not their fault.  

But family is also what you make it.  My church family knows who they are lol they're everywhere.

Guess what, if you're reading this.

I love you.

Let us all say amen.

I am a church girl.  I was introduced to Holy Spirit when I was 17.  I believe we had just gotten done ministering; I sang in a youth choir and with my high school sweetheart and his family and this was just the begininng of my relationship with both groups.  I was on my feet, crying, screaming out to God, thanking God, and spoke in tongues while at my seat in the pews, not knowing what was going on and why everyone was so emotional at the same time.

Holy Spirit just sits on you in such a way that once you recognize what it is, you want more of it.

We didn't attend church for while after my 7th Heaven family left.  Convenience/location I believe may have been factors at the time.  But then we started going off and on one place.  They never learned our names, so I felt a way and left, because for me entered the world seeking familial relationship, and that family church did not make ME feel that.  I attended church off and on while away at college, this all a continuation of my ministering with my classmates in high school all around chicago and its surrounding areas.  I joined the University of Illinois Black Chorus and was under the tutelage of a Reverend and his wife.  This was family to me.  I joined organizations on campus and they were family to me!  Women of Color opted to change how the mission was played out and I wasn't really in support of the date auctions myself.  The young women that were accredited in the yearbook for the Women of Color Conference that I helped to spearhead and they hardly assisted with in collaboration with the YWCA & Nikki Giovanni, drove some type of wedge...I kept it pushing though and learned the definition of reciprocity. Joined WORD and we prayed before concerts and performances and talked about God together.  So I made sure I was around people that spoke the name...

But I have learned the hard lesson that just because you consider someone family...

They may have a very solid and intact family structure that makes your claim that they are family, a little shall we say...off.

All this to say, sorry family, sorry church

Lord forgive us

I have the unfortunate gift of having a 12-year-old removing her clothes while singing and dancing saying, "Club goin up, on a Tuesday," in my head periodically.

Not me.

Could've been me though.

This young lady was a ward on the unit I worked most frequently at a behavioral health hospital in Illinois.  All the youth used the term, 'turn up' in place of active insubordination.  Us staff always knew what was coming those times and those moments.  Was not expecting that one.

She was put on watch, no freedom basically, no anything, just being watched, stared at, and repeatedly questioned.

In my time working there, I didn't see many of the youth return home...they stayed there in that place.  

Nevermind what events led them to being in this place; they were institutionalized, swallowed up by the system early, drugged, "caged", neglected, abandoned, and turned prisoner to things that I am sure at their young age they didn't even understand.

Being a young girl around that age and thinking I 'knew what I was doing.'  

I got lucky.

I bleieve now that God had his hand on my life.

I don't know how other people may see it.

But I am so grateful that what could have been, wasn't.

I mourn for what should've never been the case

Breaking cycles is one thing, but coming to know that you are even trapped on spin mode is an entirely different thing.

If you see something, say something and say it to God first.  We're not superheroes or meant to save the world ourselves.

However, if able, if asked, consider what if it were you and do what you can.  

Care.  Have concern for our world

Waking up with nothing planned for my writing today, if you can call what I do for myself planning these days. ..

Anywho, as I scrolled past the video I shared yesterday, I said to myself, let's share about that.

I came to the realization, in recent years, that I just feel like everyone knows me and they really don't.  Alluding to earlier writings on this site, I just felt kindred and aquainted with everyone, still do a lot of the time.  I got dissed by a rapper coming out of college, got ghosted, my social media got hacked,  further ostracized, who knows what people know or think they know or believe about me. What happens when you don't want to give people what they want and then you're taken from anyway.  With all the algorithms and me moving across country, I just don't like it.  It's an odd phenomenon being told how valuable you are or have been, and then, "Who ya with?!" I hear Bernie Mac saying in my head.  That strong friend thing, could be me.  That video you saw, that was me before shaving my head entirely a few years later.  Sorry being bald wasn't relevant to this post, just sharing.

Ugh, I was such a tomboy, still am.  There are characteristics that I'm sure will never fade, it'll just depend on the outfit.  I don't undertstand people that are like, "ew, I can't touch dirt or possibly enjoy doing laborous activities outside."  It's the "ew" for me.  One of the best phrases, I first heard from my colleague Candace at TNM in Chicago was "Don't yuck my yum."

This was a meeting agreement clearly defined at the begining of meetings.  Just because you don't agree with it, don't poop on it.  Simple.  If someone says, "I love chitterlings," my gut reaction is very much the contrary, but instead of saying "AW NAW you like chitlins!?!" and prolonging the conversation, I can say, I like vegetables and we all move on lol.  

Okay okay sorry.

Misson to Expose.  The Video

A beautiful woman reached out to me and asked that I help coordinate this showcase with her.  She didn't know me personally.  We met up at a local cafe shop, chatted further and I agreed, I was honestly honored to be thought of.  It was such an exciting and lovely time, it really was.  I think her daughter's boyfriend having a thing for me just was a bit much for her which makes sense...it was a bit much for me too.  I'm fortunate for the grace that was extended to me at that time by his family and I respect it so much.  I pray for all the youths that be out there with all the freedom.  And I'm sorry that my truths are ugly and disgusting, I can honestly say that myself now, but it is what it is.  I can call it and correct it for myself, always have.  People run from tough conversations or conversation that they percieve as tough though too.

As Talent Coordinator for Exposed, which showcased diverse talents in a uniquely curated atmosphere to encourage artists and entrepreneurs / I just wanna go back !!

Totally could, but hate feeling like a robber when I know I've been robbed and it is very much traumatizing.  I don't have an ill bone of intent towards people, I genuinely don't by nature, I swear.  It grows and develops over time when I feel I've been wronged I think, but lots of therapy, treatment, and wellness tactics I've developed over time and continue to develop daily, help me to contain that.

I could've dissed back a long time ago, me mentioning this still shows still healing and I can admit that, but I will keep saying to everyone I really don't want to be famous like in alllllll the publicity famous at all, that's why we fell out to begin with.  My idea of fame is maybe on kinda a Donald Glover wave, like even though he's famous he seems separated.  I stopped stalking people's lives via the media some time ago so I have no idea if there is truth to me saying that or not.  There are celebrities like that, I imagine everyone has to do their time in the "limelight."  I don't know.  I'm not trying to choose my time, I've always opted to serve.  Safety is word prevalent but not mentioned much.  God has greater in store than I could ever ask or think...and I believe that it will all make sense soon.  I'm floundering just a little bit.  Taking action to get it together for myself though.  

I love praising and worshipping God!!!  In everything I do!  I fall short...we all do though in one area or another.  But that don't change that I love talking to Jesus, I'm never alone and love getting lost in the word, praying Lord God, that you continue positioning me to be able to do more again!  More of what I love!  Gatherings, celebrations, laughter, dancing, and fun, Lord God! You know what I desire Lord!

 I ain't party that much, I mean I definitely partied, and it was enough for my single self, but I do wanna hit the club with my husband too God! lolbs  Lord Help us to not tear the club up with our love for you and for one another!!  Another tangent, thinking about how my husband and I met sober in a bar just singing!  God knows...yes yes He does =)  

In closing, lol if you want to know more about Exposed, go watch more of it on Youtube lol 

Journal entered.

#Consistency

#NotetoSelf

#PraywithoutCeasing 

#LordHelpme